Agnostic and Atheist – The Dilemma
When I was a kid, I used to get bullied a lot. The reason being, I didn’t have a sense of humor back then. Till my 8th standard, I used to have a single friend in each class, and he would be the Rupert Pupkin (king of comedy reference 😎) of the class. Belittling people was never my forte those days and somehow guys with a great sense of humor attracted me.
Its not like I planned to befriend a guy like him, but it happened automatically due to my lack-of-humor insecurity. In my 5th std, it was Yogesh. In 6th, it was Alagudevan. In 7th, it was Ajith and in 8th, it was Praveen. Although I had many friends at that time. It was these guys I would like to hang with. Saying it now feels like gay but in those days, I was a spineless bitch who couldn’t be an independent guy.
Moreover, in 7th I started having a lot of friends and developed gang among ourselves. I was a part of 4 guy gang where Ajith was the leader and in 8th, I was the middle bench-er gang.
It all changed in 9th grade, when I started becoming the last bench-er. The one-best-friend concept of me started going away and entering adult hood, my personality started changing from uncool guy to a wannabe cool guy. Watching porn on browsing centers, playing cricket with neighbors and the most badass of all is swearing all the time instead of talking.
Badass it may seem; my sense of humor was never good. And, the most important thing is my defense mechanism had gone. Previously, my belittling friends would stand up for me and now, there were none. If someone made fun of me, I should counterattack him, or I would become the loser. My 9th grade was great but at the end, I was starting to get bullied.
I always wanted to forget the next three years of my life. 10th grade to 12th grade were the three years when I got ass fucked by my friends. Hopefully, I had better friends too. The Uzumaki (Subash), Kaataaru (Arul Anand) and Allrounder (Prem) were the only people from whom I retained my stableness. These guys were only my neighbors and the real dangers were my classmates.
It’s not like I didn’t make any friends or anything. I had made friends in those final 3 years of my schooling and some of them were still in touch with me. But it didn’t erase the fact that I got bullied.
It was always the counter comment for a troll or a joke.
I never learned that and, funny it may seem but whenever someone trolls me, I would have no idea and laugh with them like they had made some other joke. Later, I would realize that they were making fun of me and it fucked my ego literally.
I am not sure I would call this depression but the events that followed these surely made me to end my life for good.
As with any good story of depression (or the act of fucking someone’s ass), there would be three basic chapters.
1. Getting bullied by the last bench motherfuckers (in my case, the first bench too)
2. Development of Inferiority Complex when trying to get socialized (which leads to loneliness)
3. Coping up with adulthood (This was the serious issue of all)
Fortunately for me, I didn’t fall in love for anyone at that time. It doesn’t matter if I fall for someone or not. Being ugly and gay never impressed girls and my upbringing had a strict rule for talking with girls.
I became cringe and my cringy-ness got maxed out in college when I proposed to a girl. But I didn’t have any gigs with girls in my schooling.
My classmates bullying me and the solitude due to inferiority complex did made me depressed but to a certain point. I always found good friends; it may be the victory warriors (yes! I was a part of a cricket team) or my equal nerdy classmates. Bullying never seemed an issue when I spend time with those people. Also, anime was an integral part to cope up with my loneliness.
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| Rise of an Otaku |
But the major issue was my adulthood.
As my hormones start speeding up its development rate, I can able to identify my changing personality. I am not sure I should blame it on my adulthood or not but, the point is, I lost interest in studying. I mug up a lot and faster in my childhood but later, I can’t able to memorize anything. Nothing stayed in my mind. I kept on forgetting whatever I studied. Later, I found out that this was because of my lack of interest in studies.
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