I used to pray to god like hell and always end up getting 5th rank. I would cry like a beyouch because I thought god didn’t hear me. I would pray for god to make me funny and I always wanted people to laugh at the jokes I crack. It never happened. I still remember crying my eyes out seeing the god photos of Shivan, Perumal, Saraswathi and Parvathi in our Poojai room. I would say why god? Why?!?!
I know those laminated copies of drawing, protected in a glass shield, would never answer me. But I believed these pictures would connect with the heaven up above through air and some miracle would happen. It never happened.
People may say that I scored 5th rank because of god. But the irony here is I didn’t feel happy because I got 5th rank.
Then, my body starts bulking up and I started doing exercises. By that time, I started hating the concept of god. My PC was in that Poojai room and whenever I watch porn, I would cover the god’s photos with blanket before watching any porn. But later, as I started hating god, I even started fantasizing the female goddesses.
I was so fucked up back then and my misogynist meter was skyrocketing at a constant rate.
The weird thing is I didn’t fap once in my schooling because I thought that, to fap, I must get older or something. It was in my 3rd semester I had my first fap. The BEST FAP 😍
Ahem...
From my childhood, I read Sujatha books a lot and became a fan of Science Fiction. So, I always liked to read about science stuff. Sometimes, pseudo-science and conspiracy theories were also fun to read. And I also used to fact check the point where science becomes pseudo-science and I never believed conspiracy theories, but I liked to read it a lot.
Sometimes, there would always be a pseudo-scientific explanation to conspiracy theories. One of such theories is the Alien theory. It was called the Panspermia. Basically, it means that the life on our earth came from space. We all know that we humans evolved from microbes. Initially there were no microbes on earth and suddenly, an asteroid collided in the earth with extra-terrestrial microbes and it, in turn, lead to the development of microorganisms.
When I read this theory in childhood, I was fascinated by it but when I checked it further, I came to know that the collision of asteroids to earth would produce a lot of heat and the microbes would be incinerated even before entering the earth’s atmosphere.
This is one of those theories and a lot of them were also equally unnerving and fascinating to read. This kind of made me to believe science rather than god. When I think about it, gods are nothing but poorly written conspiracy theories. Its not even interesting to read about our god. When I started thinking gods as mere fictional characters, the whole idea of spirituality and divinity started to break down in my mind. It made me feel disgusted and I became someone who hated god and worshiping.
I became an Atheist. (Also, I donna the term back then)
The first Dan Brown novel I ever read was Deception Point. Shockingly, I read the Panspermia theory explained in that book. Nostalgia hit me hard and I started to like Dan Brown right then.
The other point I liked about Dan Brown is his works strengthened my Atheistic views, but it also started lacing some Agnostic views in my head. That, I hated and paved the way for my Dilemma. I also planned to read Richard Dawkins and Christopher Hitchens before asserting my views to myself.
Dan Brown too explains many interesting points of being Agnostic. I’ll write about it later in the upcoming posts but, the point is that, my Dilemma between Atheism and Agnosticism stopped me from reading, and I should also say that it was in some way lead to my procrastination too.
In a way, depression made me an Atheist and a Pessimist. Initially, I hated being both. I thought I was doing something wrong and dreadful but, in the end, I was just stubborn to admit myself wrong. Once a wise man said,
“Sometimes Hypocrite is someone who is in the process of Changing.”
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