TO MY PARENTS
அன்புள்ள அப்பா அம்மாவிற்கு,
I feel awkward to write both of you a letter. But when you find this letter, I would have gone somewhere out of your reach. I am going to be doing what I was supposed to do in the first place.
Appa, as you often tell me, I am a coward.
I didn’t feel brave enough to face you and say what I want and how I feel. I thought you would never listen to me. I realise now that I was not making you to listen me; I was not loud enough. And Appa, I will never have guts, ever, in front of you. So, I decided to write a letter.
Amma, the one I am going to miss the most is you, but I must do what I have to do.
And brother, take care of Amma and Appa for me. I always hated you and I will never like you. So, fuck off and do what I say.
Before I finish this letter, I want you to understand why I am taking this decision. And please don’t try to find me by any means. Even if you tried, you won’t find me. So, please avoid finding me.
I was always depended on you, Appa. I wanted your help on everything I did. I still remember the day when I first learnt how to write Tamil Alphabets. I remember it so well because it was also the first time, I remember you beating me. I was 5 at that time.
Mom was going to work in a textile shop. And you hated yourself for that. You had gotten fired from your company that month and our family had the most difficult of times. So, Mom decided to share the burden and started going to work with her school friends who introduced her to the field of textile. Day by Day, mom became good at it but her dislike towards the job had increased a lot too.
And then you both started having fight. I still wonder how in the middle of all of those fights, you both got pregnant with my kid brother. I was 5 when he had born. You guys never stopped your fight, so most of the time, I used to take care of my brother.
It was on one of those hottest evenings of May. In few months, I was supposed to start my first standard. Though, we were broke, you somehow found a way to earn money for my education, Appa.
On those days, you and I used to spend a lot of quality time together as, Mother went to work. You were teaching me to write Tamil and English alphabets that evening. You were not in the mood to teach but I always liked when you held my hand and make me write the alphabets.
That evening, your friend visited our house. So, you took away your hand from my hand and asked me to writing those 26 alphabets in English on my own. You became busy talking to your friend. I noticed that you are getting stressed by what your friend was saying to you. Then mom came and she prepared and gave coffee and snacks to you and your friend.
Soon your friend left the house and you came to check on my progress. I still not had written a single letter of those 26 letters in my Slate. As soon as you saw nothing written on my slate, a sudden rage of anger engulfed you. You thrashed and slapped me black and blue till my cheeks turned red, constantly cursing that I am worthless piece of shit and told me that how I was wasting your money. Mother came to my rescue and she covered my whole body. You continued to thrash me and mother now. It seemed like an hour of beating but it was just 5 minutes.
I cried and cried and cried.
Mother started scolding you, but you had been feeling guilty already, I guess. You came near me and wiped my tears. Then you told that it was your mistake that you hadn’t taught me well. I took my slate and when you barely touched my hand with your finger, I wrote the letters.
I always knew how to write letters, Appa. I just wanted you to be there while I write the letters. You didn’t have to hold my hands and teach me. Just supervise me so that you would point it out when I did something wrong.
Soon you got your job. But mother was the most stubborn woman I had ever seen in my life. She didn’t leave her job instead she bought her own tailoring machine from the money she saved doing her work. But you didn’t get angry at her anymore because you busied yourself in your job.
Whenever I ask you to go easy with mother, you would always say,
“புருஷன் செத்தவக தா வேலைக்கு போய் காசு சம்பாதிபால்வ! உங்கம்மா என்னமோ பண்ணிட்டு போகட்டும். ”
You would always say this in the presence of Amma so that she can hear it. And whenever you say this, I would see Amma’s reaction. It was always a smile. A smile that says, “fuck off!”. Though she didn’t say those exact words, it was clear from her smile. That smile irritated you mostly, but you got used to it. And she never stopped working till date.
Amma, you were the best cook in the whole world. Believe me when I say this. I had eaten a lot of foods and I always find solace in your cooking. But I haven’t said this to you before. I’ll tell you know. There’s one person who cooks better than you. It’s Appa. Yes, Appa used to cook whenever he feels like it and I know he cooked most of the time when he was jobless. But I had forgotten how it tastes like as I was 5 at that time. But he used to cook when you bought the tailoring machine when I was 10.
You were busy with my kid brother and sorry for saying this, the food you made those days were a disaster. But father took the matter into his hands and did a best job out of it. Ha!
From that day onwards, father secretly taught me how to cook without your knowledge. He had thought me a lot and as well as inspired me a lot.
Things started going wrong when I hit puberty. I know that you guys know I was spending time with this girl. I even hinted mom once about our relationship. And she gave that infamous smile of her. I didn’t dare tell you about it because I was shit scared to even think about telling it to you.
So, I started spending time with her a lot because my school days were the worst. I didn’t know how to make friends and few friends I had had always bullied me. So, my room and my girlfriend were the only places where I felt comfortable. I don’t know why but I deliberately stopped talking to you both. I would do any work you guys tell me to do but I didn’t want to spend time with you guys like I once did. I became a private person who doesn’t want to share anything but to keep everything within himself. There was an exception to that and that’s my girlfriend. My girlfriend kept my sanity in check on those days.
I hated going to school and as a result, I scored low marks. It was very easy for me to score marks before I hit puberty. But after I turned 12 or 13, my dislike towards the school and especially my boredom towards those awful subjects (well that’s the true reason to be honest) made me to score low marks in the exams.
Appa, you started scolding me because of my marks. And I started hating you. I started hating Amma for always giving attention to my brother. Well, I don’t blame her because I stopped spending time with you guys. That didn’t make me calm though.
You were off to work on a Saturday. Me and my brother had finished playing cricket and came to the house. I lied down on the bed to take rest. Then Amma asked me to give a glass of water to my brother. That sort of ticked my nerves and I started throwing things from the cupboard to the floor.
When Amma entered the room, she asked me what I was doing, and I started shouting at her saying that she is showing partiality and I don’t want to be in this biased house anymore. I threw a tantrum and covered myself from head to toe with a blanket and dozed off.
Amma never told about this incident to you, I guess. Because you never scolded me or beat me for causing such a tantrum.
By the time I was doing my 12th grade, I even failed in some subjects in school. You and Amma came to the school to meet the headmaster. It was a procedure we have to follow at school. Students who had failed in the exams should bring their parents. Then Headmaster will hand out the rank card himself to the parents and they would sign the rank card in front of him. This was a rule designed to avoid student signing their rank card themselves. Reasons aside, the trauma that caused me that day was unspeakable. I couldn’t watch you and Amma inside that motherfucker’s office. He always had that smirk in his face. I would have gladly killed him and gone to jail proudly for that. Okay that’s a bit of exaggeration. Never mind that!
Those days, I cried while I slept. I cried while I watched you and Amma sleeping peacefully. But that guilt never turned into a motivation for me. I wished for it to happen. But it never had happened.
My brother scored good marks and secured first rank. He already had an aim to become a computer programmer at the age of 12. So, you brought him a computer and an internet connection as a gift on his birthday.
That devasted me yet somehow, I was getting calmer and calmer.
Somehow, I consoled myself thinking that my brother scoring good marks in the exams made you both happy. At least he is not fucked up as I am, and you guys don’t have to worry about him as well. It was also a form of escapism for me. I would always get ignored and that satisfied me. I didn’t want to be the centre of attention anymore.
At last I got 847 out of 1200 in my 12th standard exams. I was relieved. I didn’t get fail marks in any subjects. But you guys were not satisfied with the marks. I felt guilty once again. I assured you both that I would get an engineering seat with my marks somehow.
And I regret that promise I made you. I never wanted to do engineering. All I wanted was to do Visual Communication course but deep down I didn’t know how to get that seat and how much will it cost.
I needed your help, Appa.
I never needed your help more than I needed at that moment. I wanted you to say that I can choose whatever course I wanted to study, and you would help me get through it. Once again, I was depended on you. So, I chose to get an engineering seat to satisfy you guys. Even I wanted to be in a comfort zone. I didn’t want to explore a new area like Visual Communication. If I joined engineering, I would have help with other students, as 99.9% of us chose engineering. That thought comforted me back then. When I think about it now, I feel sick about myself.
Well, that’s me! I have to be responsible for what I am. Right, dad?
Me and my girlfriend gone to Chennai to get seat from an engineering college. My girlfriend had scored exactly 1000 marks and she was so much satisfied with her mark. Though I hated engineering, I made friends there in the college surprisingly. I never thought that I would make friends ever in my life. I made 3 best friends and we 4 rented a room together. College life taught me a lot, Appa. I had love, I had friends and the only thing I missed were you guys. Soon I had forgotten about you guys. I was living my own life for the first time and it was awesome.
Appa and Amma, what I am about to say may disturb you. I am going to say anyway.
It was the fight we had during the final year of my college. I had had a fight with my friends and came home in a rush. All I could think at the time was to never step inside my college.
Amma, even you got angry with me. But I felt it was do or die kind of situation. Also, I finally got some courage to face Appa. I was already angry because of the fight I had had with my friends the previous day. My mind was still couldn’t able to forgive what they had done to me. If I had relaxed myself down, I would’ve been calmer when I told you and Appa about my decision.
Living on my own decision taught me a lot, Appa. When I was a child, you were my role model. I thought there’s no one in the world who was intelligent than you. And I thought I would never reach your kind of brilliance. You were a genius, Appa. But as I grew, my perception of you being a genius had started to die. And I finally realised, you were nothing but an ordinary man who only knew how to survive in this world with two kids to feed.
And you did an excellent job at that.
And finally, I didn’t want to be dependent on you. I finally got the courage to face off you of one last time. I asked you to let me go and pursue my dream of becoming a writer.
You just said NO!
And you ignored me.
“நா சொல்றத இந்த ஒரு வாட்டி கேளுங்கப்பா!”
“நீ சொல்றத நா ஏண்டா கேக்கணும். மூடிட்டு போய் உன்னோட ஃபைனல் எக்ஸாம்சக்கு படிக்குற வேலைய பாரு. ”
Appa, you are the not the genius I thought you once. This kept on reminding in my head.
“இல்லப்பா நா எந்த எக்ஸாம்சும் எழுத போறது இல்ல. சென்னைல என்னக்கு தெரிஞ்ச ஒரு.. ”
“அப்பா நவீனு! உள்ள போய் தூங்கு பா. நா சாப்பாடு எடுத்துட்டு வாறே”
Sensing something Amma asked me to inside my room. But I ignored her. When I neared you, Amma grabbed me and asked me to go inside. Now my brother too joined the scene. I stared at him and mouthed him to get out of here. When I saw my mother asked my brother’s help, I couldn’t able to control my anger.
Tears started forming in my eyes and I can feel my eyes getting redder. I pushed my mother hardly and turned to face you. But it was too late before I realised what I had done.
Amma, I am so sorry.
I should never have pushed you. But even after you fell down on the floor, you got up and tried to make me go inside my room. Before you could do that, father slapped me hard in cheeks. That made me to think of the slap he gave me when I was 5. After that, he never once slapped me.
Until now.
I deserved that Slap. I welcomed the pain, but I couldn’t watch you, Amma. I didn’t want to cry in front of you all. I stepped outside of my house. You followed me. I called my girlfriend and shouted her name. You understood and stopped following me. I went out of the house that night. I never knew that night would turn my life upside down.
I am going to a faraway land.
And I want you to know that my girlfriend had broken up me. So, please don’t go and ask her for any news about me.
Before I go there’s one thing, I want to tell you guys.
It’s kind of a secret.
Appa, do you remember the time when you used to bring me to movies when I was a child. The one thing I liked about those movies were the story or directors or even the actors, it was the fact that you and I spent alone time inside the theatres watching those stories in awe. Even after my brother grew, you never took him to those movies.
It was always I who had been your movie companion. Ha!
That’s the only thing where I had beaten my brother.
The secret I wanted to tell you is that it was always you, Appa.
You are the reason I wanted to become a writer. If you hadn’t took me to watch Pudhupettai FDFS or Narnia’s last part or any other movie, I wouldn’t have had a slightest interest in cinema.
You are responsible for my interest in writing. I still remember the days we have spent watching movies together and the discussions we would have whenever we watch a movie.
If we watch a movie that stands out of the film that we have ever watched, we will dissect the film and would talk about our feelings of those scenes.
And Amma, do you remember about the stolen pieces of clothes you carved for my birthday secretly. Well, you know well I didn’t like my birthdays. It was I who had stolen those clothes.
You may ask to want I did with those clothes. Well, I am not proud of what I did but I gifted those clothes to my girlfriend saying that I did it.
I had forgotten to gift her on one of her birthdays, so I wanted to gift her what I liked the most. And I liked your designs you made in those clothes. I have never told this to you before.
I know you disliked cooking and tailoring.
But you had mastered those two arts. I loved those times when you read fantasy stories to me when I was a child and that kind of reflected in your designs. You are the most creative (and stubborn. Ha!) person I have met in my life.
My girlfriend was a bright girl and she found out it was yours and I ended up telling her the truth. You would’ve liked her so much if things didn’t turn out the way they had turned out.
I am going to do what I wanted to do. When I think about it, I kind of got all the qualities you guys had. It’s weird to think that you guys hate me but in reality, it’s you both that made me what I am today. Without you guys, I would never have developed any interest in anything. I didn’t want to work in a company doing a work that doesn’t make me happy.
Never once in my life I have ever regretted about my love of writing. I hope you understand my decision.
And brother. Once again, I am telling you, take care of Amma and Appa for me. I always hated you and I will never like you. So, fuck off and do what I say.
I don’t know what to say to you guys any more.
Okay. I do have one thing to say to you-all.
Thanks!
இப்படிக்கு,
நவீன்.
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