TO MY GIRLFRIEND
Dear Priyadarshini,
I never realized how beautiful you are until you stopped talking to me. I have said to you a million times, but I have never meant it. I was just trying to impress you. Fuck! I was just trying to impress me. It’s the truth. I never felt good because you are happy. I am just happy with my efforts that made you happy. I know it’s fucked up. But that’s how I am. I still remember the day when you broke up with me. It was after our biggest fight. I always liked our fights. It would last one or two days. And you would be the one who would beg me to talk with you. Well! It was your mistake in the first place that caused our fight, right? I would feel glad whenever it happens. And I thought that’s what’s gonna happen when we had our final fight. I waited for 2 weeks for you to come and beg me to talk to you. Say it’s all your mistake that we are fighting. And you would never talk to that motherfucker Rahul. If you hadn’t gone to the theater with him that day, we wouldn’t have had our fight at all.
Hell!
We wouldn’t even have broken up. And when you came to meet me one last time, I knew then and there you were going to end our relationship. And when you said it, all I felt was a sudden urge to laugh. And I said sorry to you that day. I didn’t mean it when I said it but then, I told you sorry hoping that you would forgive me. But you never even talked to me after that day. It’s been one month since that day.
So why the fuck am I writing this letter? – You may ask when you read this letter. Well! I am writing this letter for two things.
One – I want to tell you how sorry I feel and this time, I mean it. Nahhhh! I am just kidding. I wanted to tell you when I had first fallen in love with you. It was not the time when I proposed you. I am going to write that moment here. I bet you barely remember that moment. I have never really told you this and I just felt like telling you now.
Two – Well! The number two is a suspense. If you want to know, you might find at the end of this letter. Or is it? It can be anywhere. You know it when you read the rest of this letter. Believe me. It’ll blow your mind. If you wish to tear off this letter, then read the rest of this letter and do it. Ha!
17th February
I always hated my birthdays. It’s weird for a child to hate his birthday but, something about enjoying the day we born feels depressing. I still can’t figure it out why. Being the first born, you always get compared with your hardworking brother. I never hated my brother, but I always wanted to hate him. The one thing I do to show my hate is to dominate him. And my parents never liked that attitude of mine. Besides being the first born, I was the worst born. To be precise, I am ugly. I still wonder many times how you had loved me. I can’t ignore the truth. So, I am ugly, fat and did poorly in my studies. After getting grounded for all 364 days, I don’t want to fake my high for the other one day. All of it got changed on my 10th Birthday. It was the day we both speak to each other for the first time.
I am not going to say this was the moment I fell in love with you. I barely knew. I agree that I got attracted towards you. But that doesn’t mean that I had developed feelings for you to be honest. You were always nice to me. I mean genuinely nice. But I didn’t like that part of you. Many girls felt sorry for me when our class boys bullied me, and they all been nice to me.
No!
I started liking you because you were the one who argued with me. I know it’s weird but hear me out. No boy would talk to me because they got convinced that I was kind of a mental. And those smiley faced girls would cheer me up saying I was chubby; whenever I try to discuss something, they would call me cute (I still don’t know why they called me cute. Maybe to shut my mouth? Who knows…) and walk away leaving me there like a weirdo? And then there was you. You just talk back whenever you find something wrong or feel a bit contradiction when I talk. That still didn’t make me fall for you. It made us friends. And after a while – Best Friends.
Then puberty had hit both of us. I still remember the day when you had your puberty function. You hated that a lot. I remember you saying it as an utter waste of time and kind of a sexual harassment. But I liked that function because it was the first time, I saw you in a Saree. I wanted to kiss you that day. I have never felt anything like that before. I have watched porn. I fantasized having sex with our girl class leader. But never I have I ever wanted to hug someone and kiss someone. That evening, I wanted to cheer you up, so I cracked more sexual harassment jokes about the puberty function. It was a blast and even I started hating the function too. I never got my kiss, but I have told you how I felt that day when we finally get into relationship many years later.
Come to think of it, I never once hidden anything from you. We both used to cringe watching cheesy romance stories like the one where the hero beats the shit out of the heroine to prove his romance; like the one where the heroine would hide things from hero because he would lose his temper and the heroine doesn’t want to have any fight between them; like the one where the girl is rough and the boy innocent as fuck that the girl takes him for granted (or is it the boy?) and have a cringe-y relationship. You know, mostly the Korean drama stuff. Why is it that feeling horny or fantasizing your partner makes a relationship impure? – We both have argued a lot on this subject and each time, we liked us more.
“சரியான லூசு கூவா இருப்பா போல” – you used to say this exact dialogue whenever you get cringed out. And I am proud of how honest I was to you. I love opened up to you. I loved being vulnerable with you. The one thing I am not proud is my insecurity.
October 31
It was your birthday. I never liked my birthdays, but I always liked your birthdays. Talk about hypocrisy. Ha!
It was your 15th Birthday. That was day when our first big fight ended. My parents didn’t permit me to go to the school tour and you blamed me that I didn’t try enough to persuade them. That triggered me and I didn’t talk with you for a week. Then I couldn’t take it anymore. I just wanted to see you and I crashed at your birthday party. I never attended your birthday parties before because, we both used to have our own parties on our birthdays, only the two of us.
I felt like a stranger that day when I came to your home for your uninvited birthday party. As soon as I entered the hall, I remembered that I forgot to buy you a gift. But you saw me. Our eyes met and I couldn’t able to move. After what seemed like a full minute, I moved… towards you… As I came closer to you, I couldn’t meet your eyes. I saw the floor and said Happy Birthday to you. Then I forced myself to see you and said sorry I didn’t bring any gifts. In front of the whole crowd gathered there, you hugged me and said sorry for being an asshole. I felt my shoulders wet and realized that you were crying. I started to feel the gaze of the people who were looking at us. But I didn’t want to go anywhere. I wanted the hug to last for a lifetime. Later you broke our embrace and whispered something in my ears.
“நா உன்ன லவ் பண்றேன்டா, நவீன். ரொம்ப!”
I was the happiest man on the whole earth at that moment.
But!
That still didn’t make me fall for you. I was stunned. I was happy and felt elated. For the first time in my life, I felt optimistic. Why the fuck did I feel optimistic? And of course, I wanted to kiss you, I always wanted to kiss you and to make love to you ever since I say you on that saree. I used to have dirty dreams about you all the time. You did make me happy. Because you loved me. But I didn’t want to make you happy. Whenever I cracked jokes, I wanted to prove that I can make jokes, that I am not the loser and I deserve everything. But after you expressed your love towards me, a sudden feeling of fear engulfed me. Suddenly I felt like I was forced to do the one thing I hated the most to do.
And it’s taking responsibilities.
January 1
Trekking. We were planning to go for a trekking, like, for 2 years at that time. You had already completed your 18th Birthday and I was about to have mine the next month. Suddenly we both decided to trek on the night of December 31st. We both hoped to reach the Villa at the top of the hill by midnight so that we can enjoy the new year celebration there. It was one of those amazing moments we had spent together.
It was a full moon day. Usually full moon day occurs during the last week of every month. But that night, the moon was full. Or nearly full. You were watching that moon after we reached the top and I was watching you. Aware that I was watching you, you turned your gaze and looked at me.
You smiled.
That did it. I stepped closer and hugged you. It was kind of a dirty thing to say but I liked your sweaty smell that night. I always liked how you smell, you know? You hugged tight and whispered I love you in my ear. I have never told you I love you too, but you never asked me why. We both were sweating hard and our body stayed chill. A cold breeze hit us, and I pushed myself back from the hug and looked at you. Then I held your face between my palms. We both felt goosebumps at the same time.
“Can… Can I kiss y…”
Our lips met.
“அடுத்த வாட்டி Permissionலாம் கேட்டுட்டு இருக்காத.”
I smiled and you kissed me once more. This time more deeply. At that moment, I didn’t care anything. I felt free from the rest of the world. I wanted to give you everything. It doesn’t matter about me anymore, I wanted to make you the happiest person in the world. I wanted to give you my love. Once again, I looked in your eyes, we both giggled. I realized I had fallen in love with you.
BUT NOT QUITE! Before you tear off this letter, I really had fallen in love with you that night. But not when we had our first kiss. I felt kind of horny and love at the same time. The moment I had fallen in love with you was after we entered inside the Villa. You barely remember that moment. We went inside the Villa and booked two rooms. After that, we went to eat dinner. A lot of people had turned up to enjoy the new year celebration. Fortunately, we founded a secluded two-table place away from the crowd. We both ordered fired rice (Your favorite food). I couldn’t able to take my eyes of you. And you took your first bite. You closed your and enjoyed the food with a smile. I said, “I love you” to you for the first time. And it was the only time I meant it when I said it. You looked at me and giggled and said, “Yeah! I know that” in a teasing voice.
There you go! I said it. I had fallen in love when I saw how you enjoy yourself when you eat. God! It sounds more creepier than I had thought in my mind. I have seen you eat a thousand times before but something about that night just changed something inside me. It was how peaceful you feel with my company. I want us to be peaceful like that night for the rest of our lives. When I think about it now, it’s weird to feel love by seeing a person eat. Maybe I am fucked up? Maybe… I don’t know. But I can say this, every time I think about you, us, I always end up cherishing that moment.
Later that night, I couldn’t able to sleep in my room and went out to look for you. I knocked your door and there was no answer. That was when I realized, the room was already opened, and I went inside. Surprisingly, I didn’t find you there. Then after a minute or two, you came back to your room and said that you went to my room to see me. We laughed and lie down on the bed. We kissed again. Then we giggled again. You asked me about my, then upcoming, birthday, and I wanted to divert the topic. You sensed that and told me about the movie you saw recently.
It was Gasper Noe’s Enter the Void. I had seen that movie a year back and barely remembered it. You told me that you liked the movie. Then I started suggesting more Gasper Noe films and our conversation shifted from cinema to politics and then to feminism and then to cartoons and more. Between those conversation we snogged each other heartily and continued our conversation. Soon we had fallen asleep. You hugged me and laid your face on my chest. I smelled your beautiful hair and with the high it gave me, I dozed off.
I still can’t believe why we didn’t have any sex that time. Clearly, we both wanted to make love to each other that night. Maybe it was because of all the tired from trekking or maybe we were too busy talking to have sex. Ah! That cringes me out. When I asked this question months later to you, you just shrugged off and said that you thought I wasn’t interested in you. That answer shocked me, and you laughed and said that you too didn’t know why we didn’t have sex that night. After that, we used to crack jokes about sex and all other dirty jokes. I was getting more comfortable with you after our trekking that night.
March 25
It’s been 2 years and 2 months passed since that night on the top of that hill. Our college was going to end. We had spent most of our life together and I thought we were inseparable. I still couldn’t able to believe how we got the same college in the first place 4 years back. A lot had happened in the last 4 years of our college. We had a lot of fights and lot of loves. And then came the placements, with that more responsibilities. I had a huge fight with my family about how I wanted to be a writer and possibly to make some quality cinema. My father slapped me that evening. I wanted to see you that day so much.
It was the study holidays for the last semester. So, you came from the hostel to your home that time. I went out and called you. You came as soon as you could come, and we went for a night bike ride. My father didn’t buy me any bike. Me and my three friends shared money and bought a second-hand bike. I didn’t want to go for a night ride on that bike. So, you brought your bike which your father had gifted you on your last birthday. I didn’t feel like riding the bike because if I rode that bike that night, with my mood swings and all, I was sure we would’ve had an accident. Thankfully, you sensed my distress and you drove the bike and took me to the bakery shop where we had had our first date together years back. You told me that your parents were planning to find you a groom and without asking your permission, they asked some family to come and meet you. You too had fought with your family (also with that groom’s family. Ha!) that day. Talk about coincidence.
I don’t know how we both felt the same thing that time. We both looked at each other and said…
“பீர் அடிக்கலாமா?”
April 25
It was the day you and I broke up. After my big fight with my family, things weren’t the same. My brother got placed in a MNC and started his training (with incentive) in Bangalore even before starting his college. And the groom family you had bashed apparently didn’t get offended because that fucking groom had a liking for you.
You told me your family was forcing you to spend time with your groom – Rahul. I always hated your father but the fact that he was forcing you to go on dates without your will just disgusted me. You didn’t even finish your college. And then my insecurity got the better out of me. I knew Rahul wasn’t your type. But deep down, I wanted you to marry him. I wanted you to stay out of my life because I didn’t have a life. I am a complete loser. Then things started to fall apart. I started avoiding you hoping that you would avoid me too. In those last few days, we had had a lot of fights and you always asked sorry and begged me to talk. I liked the feeling when I knew someone would need me even though I didn’t need them. I felt… what it’s called? Yes! I felt Manly. However, fucking, that sounds. But the point is, I loved that.
And you broke up with me and I felt relieved. That made me laugh. Somewhere inside me wanted to patch up with you but ego got the better out of me. I didn’t feel sorry for what happened back then because I felt good when I watched you beg me.
That’s it. That’s what I wanted to write here. I hope you feel happy while reading this letter. Oh! I forgot to tell you the suspense.
Remember the time when we had beer for the first time.
Well!
I bet you forgot what we done that night. We both went to your house. We both entered your room without getting noticed from the neighbors and your parents.
And we did the craziest thing. We took your laptop and went to the nearby park. In 30 minutes, they were going to close it. So, we kissed and kissed and kissed for 20 minutes and in the last 10 minutes, we opened your laptop and send a mail to someone. The next day, you forgot what we did in the park and I forgot to whom we sent the mail. And then last night, I knew to whom we sent that mail.
It was Ravi Shankar – director of that feminist flick you liked so much. I was not a great fan of his direction, but I liked his writing. Well we both had sent him my poems and my stories to him and commanding him to accept me as his AD. (Assistant Director) The alcohol made us so confident that night it seems. I feel like a fool that I had never checked my mail to know to whom and what we sent at that night. I was busy fighting with my family. And now, I got an opportunity and Ravi Shankar asked me to meet him next week. I am going to Mumbai.
I am destroying my sim card today and I didn’t have the guts to see you in the eye and tell you this. You may feel happy because I got a job, or because I am going to go away from you. I hope you feel happy, nevertheless.
And… I don’t know what to say anymore.
Okay! I do have one thing to say.
Thank you.
இப்படிக்கு,
நவீன்.
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