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February : It's high time to kill myself

Mid of Feb is when I tried to kill myself. Weirdly enough, Feb 17th is my birthday. I was surrounded by this thought of hatred, pessimism, inferiority complex and all those sidekick emotions that make you kill yourself. 
It all started on the 10th of Jan. That’s when I started reading Twilight.

I have watched, like,  a lot of movies, series, and stuff in the month of January. I even started to write blog posts about the movies and series that I liked so much until I fucking started reading Twilight. 

02/01 -> Sairat - Marathi
03/01 -> The Boys Season 1 - English
05/01 -> Ghost Stories - Hindi
09/01 -> Avane Srimannarayana - Kannada
11/01 -> The Witcher Season 1 - English
12/01 -> My hero Academia Season 1 - Japanese
15/01 -> Jumtara-Subka Number Aayega Season 1 - Hindi
19/01 -> Parasite - Korean
23/01 -> 1917 - English
25/01 -> My hero Academia Season 2 - Japanese
27/01 -> Anjaam Paathira - Malayalam
29/01 -> Sex Education Season 2 - English
30/01 -> Comrade In America - Malayalam
30/01 -> North 24 Kadham - Malayalam
31/01 -> The forgotten Army - Azaade ke liye Season 1 - Hindi
31/01 -> Pshyco – Tamil

YES! January was a crazy month for me. Then came February. (Of all the months in a year, I liked February the most and it was a huge let down for me)

06/02 -> My hero Academia Season 3 - Japanese
08/02 -> Mallesham – Telugu
09/02 -> Twilight - Book 1
23/02 -> Mafia - Tamil

It nearly took 1 month to complete the first book of the Twilight series. I was amidst this fantasy world and I can’t get enough of it. Yet I took it slowly. I loved Book 1 of Twilight.
I have a taste for virgin love stories. Mostly I hate romantic stories because of the flimsy feeling that I get when I watch or read the lovable couples and their romances. Twilight is no more different than the latter mentioned shitty couples. Twilight had that kind of romance that made me kill myself.

EDWARD – BELLA

Before I start exploring these characters, I have a confession to make.

I am a sucker for romance.

I have had my share of romances, and all of them ended because of a single reason.

I don’t know how to love.

I am the kind of guy who is like Alyssa in "The End of the Fucking World " or like Dexter in "Dexter" (Excluding the serial killer part). So, a guy like me can’t able to accept a guy like Edward.
Besides the fact that Edward is 100 years old and he has superpowers, he is also perfect when comes to romance. He is like the perfect guy you’ll ever find. And there is Bella, who has a severe inferiority complex and a huge introvert.

That made me love Bella. The way she gets attracted to Edward and the building up of their relationship are kinda nice to read. Even though I am incapable of loving someone, I can able to empathize when I read some of the moments in Edward and Bella’s relationship. I enjoyed the book as it progressed, and I grew fonder of Edward and Bella. 

I even wanted to be like Edward. 

When I started liking the series, I started reading New Moon (The second book of the Twilight series)

No more Edward and Bella.

JACOB – BELLA

 The worst part is I didn’t like Jacob.


I even started hating Bella. Reading the new moon, made me depressed. As I was reading new moon, I realized that I was more like Jacob and I hate Jacob. That made me hate myself. Jacob is the exact opposite of Edward. Edward is calm, unbiased, highly lovable and he loves Bella more than his life. The new moon has a chapter where Edward tries committing suicide when he thought that Bella had died. Whereas Jacob is not matured, loves a girl who loves another guy and most of all he is a fucking asshole. This description of Jacob somewhat matched me and that made me hate me to the core. 

I started reading Twilight after watching movies in my childhood days and also because of vampires. I never expected the book to this deep. I enjoyed the supernatural elements in the movie version of the Twilight, but the book only had a minimal amount of it. The new moon didn’t have any supernatural moment except for the Werewolf story. 

The hatred towards Jacob got intensified when Bella chose Edward over Jacob. The saddest part, as well as the most frustrating part, is Jacob was not in the choices, to begin with. That right there made me want to kill myself. I was literally reading me through Jacob. Then somehow, I got hooked with the character and wanted to know more about it and how it is going to end.

EDWARD – JACOB

WHY DO I HATE TWILIGHT?

The answer is simple. 

Breaking Dawn.

New moon took 3 weeks to complete and in the mid of March (17th of March to be precise) I started reading Eclipse. I liked Eclipse a lot not because of the continued romance of Edward and Bella but because of the supernatural setting and world exploration of Twilight. This is the one book I felt the thrilling moments a lot. 

Even Edward considered Jacob as a rival rather than an annoying little shit. The bond between Vampire and Werewolf got closer which got to its peak in the end at the battle of the meadow. By this time, I completely hated Bella and I didn’t care about her character development either. I didn’t want her mood swings to ruin my action-packed feeling that I was getting from this book.

The 2 weeks I took to finish Eclipse where the best 2 weeks that I had in my life for a while. All those depressing thoughts that occupied me halted for a while. I liked Jacob in Eclipse. I liked Edward in Eclipse. I liked pretty much everyone in Eclipse except Bella. 

And.

Suddenly, the total atmosphere had changed. 

Breaking Dawn happened.

Edward and Bella got married. Edward promised to turn Bella a vampire blah blah blah.
And Boom. Till that time, the whole story was narrated in Bella’s POV and Jacob came into the picture. I kinda liked Jacob’s POV better than Bella. Jacob’s was more fun to read.

I was hugely disappointed because of the second half of the story.

First of all, I didn’t like the story.

Second of all, I didn’t like the ending for sure.

I was emotionally connected with Jacob but, when I read the second half of Breaking Dawn, all my ties with Jacob got broken. I realized my character resembled more with Mike (YES! THE MIKE) rather than Jacob.

Mike is the guy who initially had a crush on Bella. Felt possessive about Bella and the only human guy with normal human emotions. I am no Jacob; I am no Edward; I not even Bella. This realization calmed me down as I finished the 700 pages of the last book in one week.

FINALLY, I DIDN’T KILL MYSELF



 FU*K!

I, almost, spent two months reading this series. Even though I have my own negative aspects of this series, it had changed my way of thinking a bit. For that, I am grateful for this series and Stephanie Meyer (Author of Twilight). The sad part is that I didn’t kill myself☹. 

February was by far the worst month I had had this year (Mid of Jan to End of Feb to be precise), and I survived those days because of this book. I had my own share of personal and emotional problems to face and I directed those against this book (Weird right? 😊). I even stopped writing blogs because of those problems. It’s been nice to write some shit after a long time, to get it out of my chest.

FINALLY,

 
I planned to buy The Host written by Stephanie Meyer late this month. Due to this corona pandemic, I can’t able to shop. Thus, I am planning on starting to watch a new series from next week. For the sake of nostalgia, I’ll add the timeline of reading this series and my favorite quotes from the characters.

Twilight – 434 Pages – 10th January 2020 to 9th February 2020

New Moon – 497 Pages – 14th February 2020 to 28th February 2020

Eclipse – 559 Pages – 1st March 2020 to 16th March 2020

Breaking Dawn – 702 Pages – 17th March 2020 to 25th March 2020


JACOB

“Every second I spent with her was only going to add to the pain I would have to suffer later. Like a junkie with a limited supply, the day of reckoning was coming for me. The more hits I took, the harder it would be when my supply ran out.”

EDWARD

“In the pure air of the mountains, it was hard to believe you were so irresistible. I convinced myself it was weak to run away. I'd dealt with temptation before, not of this magnitude, not even close, but I was strong. Who were you, an insignificant little girl”?

BELLA

“This has to stop now. You can't think about things that way. You can't let this… this guilt… rule your life. You can't take responsibility for the things that happen to me here. None of it is your fault, it's just part of how life is for me. So, if I trip in front of a bus or whatever it is next time, you have to realize that it's not your job to take the blame. You can't just go running off to Italy because you feel bad that you didn't save me. Even if I had jumped off that cliff to die, that would have been my choice, and not your fault. I know it's your… your nature to shoulder the blame for everything, but you really can't let that make you go to such extremes!”

P.S: Cringe Hard Motherfuckers!!!


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Location: Bengaluru, Karnataka, India

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